an American fish in & out of Estonian waters

O Fazermint, Fazermint – Wherefore Art Thou Fazermint?


Something must be wrong. And I mean – really wrong. You remember Fazermint, right? Always wearing that silver wrapper? Well, she used to be just as ubiquitous a presence in Tallinn as any other one of Fazer’s crew. I would always be sure to find her right next to those Geishas of questionable repute. But now she’s gone. And she hasn’t even left a trace. It’s a real chocolate noir mystery and I don’t even know who to tell.

OK, then. Let me start from the beginning. I first noticed something was wrong when Fazermint stopped frequenting some of her favorite Tallinn haunts a couple of years back. She would just vanish, first from one place and then from another. Strange, as Fazermint doesn’t have that far to travel to get here from her Helsinki home. She’s only a short two-hour ferry ride away – give or take some change. We’re talking about a mere 80 clicks here – or 50 miles depending on where you’re from.

Stumbled across Fazermint for the last time over at Westman Äri. Let me think – that was back in May 2017. Guess that was appropriate as Westman used to be our go-to meeting place back in the 1990s. To be honest, Westman hasn’t changed much since then. Sometimes you appreciate an old familiar face – even if it looks back at you a little worse for wear. Come to think of it – Fazermint herself looked a little sad and forlorn that day as well.

Ever since then, I’ve had to make the crossing over to Helsinki just to go looking for her. What’s with that, Fazer boss man? Yeah, sure, you might find Fazermint lounging around at Tallinn’s airport duty-free or even cruising around on most of the big ferries going back-and-forth. But why should I have to leave Tallinn to meet up with my green-eyed love?

Ah, Fazermint …. My chocolate femme fatale. We were both born the same year. And we made that first, instant connection back when we were just 20. Ah, young love. You were all “soft peppermint brought together with the finest dark chocolate” and “a simple, timeless pairing of flavors …as fresh today” as the day you were born. In short, you were “the finest quality … in perfect balance.” Who could ask for anything more? Then – or now?

Guess I was a fool. Here, I thought the two of us would be together forever. I mean, I used to come all the way to Tallinn just to see you. Well, maybe not just to see you – although I always did see you every time I visited. Remember? You were an essential part of my Tallinn routine. And now … what? You’re … gone? Just like that?

I even ditched Mama See’s for you. She was my first love, California’s finest. Her peanut crunch is the stuff that legends are made from. Yes, I may have done some two-timing – but See’s was always a seasonal thing. I would only ever see her on the West Coast. And she would only travel Back East in winter when the mail runs wouldn’t melt her delicate chocolate couverture. Me, I was looking for a more regular commitment. And when I found you – my exotic foreign Fazermint – I really thought it was going to be you. And now look where I am?

Some of my friends say I should do my best to forget you. But how can that be? You are chocolate peppermint perfection! Others say I should try and find someone new. Who? Peppermint Patty? Please! After Eight – you can’t really be serious? Yeah, Andes, she’s OK – but Fazermint, you outshine them all.

So, until you decide to return to Tallinn’s shores, I’ll continue making regular pilgrimages to visit you in your Helsinki home. Perhaps we can meet up again soon at your favorite hangout – your boss Karl Fazer’s beautiful art deco café downtown? Or, if you want to meet somewhere more discreet, how about the basement of Stockmann’s – down in the grocery department near the place where we met last? Remember that?

Until then, I can’t help but wonder … was it something I said? Or something I did … or maybe didn’t do? Fazermint, please let me know! You’re driving me crazy. I would really love to see you back in Tallinn again. What will it take for that to happen?

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